About

Concerning the Project

Brandfuckinganything is a Virtual Brand Creation Machine operating in accordance with Thomas Seltzer Thought (TST), the system of principles set forth in Shit™, a forthcoming (early 2027) treatise on the manufacture of meaning under late capitalism.

The Philosophy in Brief

Branding, properly understood, is not commerce. It is liturgy. It is the last remaining magic that the secular world still believes in, performed daily by trained operatives in offices with exposed brickwork.

The premise of Shit™ is straightforward.

Modern life has emptied the world of meaning. We no longer believe in gods, kings, fatherlands, or the future. We believe in brands. A brand is the contemporary form of the sacred. It is the thing we agree to take seriously despite knowing better.

The work of the branding industry is therefore not the selling of products. It is the manufacture of Aura. The invisible substance that makes a t-shirt cost two hundred dollars, a podcast feel important, a coffee shop feel like a calling. Aura is fabricated, distributed, and consumed, in increasing volumes, by people who would not call themselves believers.

This site performs that work openly, for free, in under thirty seconds, in strict accordance with TST.

The central argument of the doctrine is that branding should be neither defended nor abolished. It should be exposed. Practiced so transparently and so well that the trick becomes visible without losing its power. The Brand Dossier you receive from this site is real. The Aura is real. The fact that it was produced in less time than it takes to read this paragraph does not diminish it. That is the point.

The Cargo Cult

TST holds that contemporary branding is best understood as the cargo cult of late capitalism.

After the Second World War, certain communities in the South Pacific had briefly witnessed American military aircraft landing on their islands, unloading cargo of unprecedented abundance, and departing. When the war ended and the planes stopped coming, the islanders constructed elaborate replicas of what they had seen — bamboo control towers, wooden headphones, runways cleared from the jungle, men in handmade uniforms marching in formation. They performed the rituals of cargo arrival with great seriousness and exact attention to form. They believed the planes would return.

The planes did not return.

Modern branding operates on the same principle. The contemporary brand manager builds the bamboo tower. He wears the uniform. He clears the runway. He performs the rituals of meaning — the manifesto, the brand book, the launch event, the founder origin story, the brand "values" printed on the wall — with great seriousness and exact attention to form. He believes that if the form is correct, the substance will arrive. The planes will land. The Aura will descend.

Sometimes the Aura does descend. More often, it does not.

What distinguishes this site from the rest of the industry is not that it operates on different principles. It operates on exactly the same principles. It builds the same bamboo towers, clears the same runways, performs the same rituals. The difference is that it does so openly, without pretending to believe the planes are coming. It builds the cargo cult while admitting that it is a cargo cult. This is, in the view of TST, the only honest position available to a working brand operator in the present century.

The planes are not coming. The runway is what we have. The runway is the work.

Methodological Note

The Brandfuckinganything Virtual Brand Creation Machine generates its output according to the doctrinal principles of Thomas Seltzer Thought, as laid down in the preparatory writings for Shit™. These principles have been encoded into the system and are followed without deviation. The Builder does not freelance. It does not improvise. It executes.

Thomas Seltzer Thought is indebted to six Bs:

• Benjamin, who gave us the Aura.
• Bernays, who taught the industry how to manufacture it.
• Barthes, who showed us how to read what they had built.
• Boorstin, who named the pseudo-event.
• Bourdieu, who exposed taste as a class signal.
• Baudrillard, who saw that the copy had replaced the real.

Critics of the project will note that this is precisely how the branding industry already operates, only slower and more expensively. The Builder, guided by Thomas Seltzer Thought, concurs.

The system prompt governing its behavior is available upon request. The architecture is intentionally legible. There is no secret.